The Zen of Kayaking

I spent half a day kayaking yesterday, a beautiful, sunny clear day, the river quiet. I paddled with 3 other people, not a solitary journey, and yet I felt the joy of a peaceful time with nature. I'm sure I'm not the first person to take note of kayaking as a metaphor for life. Many inspirational bits have been written about going with the flow, not paddling upstream, not rocking the boat, captain of your own ship. The list is endless. There is much about these metaphors that I resonated with, that made me sit up and take notice of the messages.

I am not an expert kayaker by any means. I have been several times but I still struggle with doing it "right". Keeping my boat going straight down the river is sometimes a challenge and a preoccupation for me. Left. Right. Left. Right. Stop going to the left!! Paddle, paddle, turn around, start over. What I learned yesterday was that I was making it too hard. I was struggling too much when I didn't need to. The current didn't require me to make deep plunging swoops with my paddle, working and working, exhausting myself in the effort. It only required that I literally go with the flow -- let my boat float and with ease and gentleness bring it back to center as needed. Wow, there's a message. I work so hard, in everything, only to end up cranky, sore and tired, and not even where I thought I was going.

Then there is the part where you head the boat down the river, centering yourself. This is the most efficient way to paddle the river, pointing the nose of the boat ahead, keeping centered. Staying centered? Focused on my goal? Where did that come from?

The other wonderful part about kayaking, is how much wild life you can see from the river. Hiking is awesome but being on the trail, I do not experience quite the wonder of birds flying right across my path, egrets and herons standing on the shore, turtles sunning themselves on the rocks, beavers swimming by, then punctuating their visit with a slap of the tail. We were all there on the river, enjoying what the day had to offer, in the quiet stillness.

So what is my 'take-away'? To stay centered on my goals, and to stop trying so hard to make life work. I don't have to figure it out, make it work or become cranky to move myself forward. I need only allow myself to work with what the river offers, gently but firmly, to not only move forward, but be in the moment of the beauty happening all around me.

Finding Courage

My son has been on a path of discovery. He took a year off from his state job to be in a place of self-exploration. During this time he and I made many treks to Green Gulch Zen Center, some of them for the day, some of them when I was dropping him off or picking him up from spending time there. He was becoming more and more involved with the zen lifestyle of yoga, meditation, organic gardening. As he continued to pursue, open-hearted, he was led to check out another similar place -- Great Vow Monastery in Portland, Oregon, and his meditation practice led him to the decision to complete a 5 day silent 'sit', which means meditating for most of the day, in silence.

This decision was no small matter as he lives in Santa Barbara, a distance of well over 900 miles one way. Did I mention my son is visually impaired and does not drive? He took the train/bus from Santa Barbara to Sacramento, stayed a few days, then was scheduled to take the train the rest of the distance beginning at midnight. That night as I was readying for bed I realized I had a phone message from him. He was already at the train station 2 hours ahead of time, his friend having dropped him off, waiting. He faced a 15 hour ride on the train, alone, all night and into the next day.

I was suddenly overcome with emotion that initially felt like fear and concern for his safety. Although he is 28 years old and very intelligent, I worry about people somehow taking advantage of him, or an something unsavory happening to him due to his visual challenges. There he was, in the station, 2 hours to kill, plus so many ahead. He did not have his computer reader so could not 'read' books on the train. His trip sounded rather horrendous to me, scary, long, boring even. What started to creep into my emotions over and in front of the sadness was amazing respect. I knew what it was taking for him to make this journey, then stay the night in Portland (a town he does not know) in a youth hostel, not to mention the week at the monastery and another 15 hour train ride back to Sacramento. This was really HUGE! And why was he doing it? For himself, for his own journey. By this time I was laying in bed sobbing. I sobbed first from maternal concern, then for my utter Blown Away-ness of what he was doing, and last for me. What courage he was demonstrating, to want to do something for one's self so badly, to have that much determination, I felt humbled that I did not feel I possessed enough of that same quality to do something equally courageous for my self, for something good for me.

And in that moment, I recognized how much more deeply I loved my son for that gift.

Transitioning through changes, rarely easy or comfortable, usually requiring our utmost strength and courage.

On Sunday I had a monumental, life-changing experience. I learned something new about myself. I have always known I had a tendency to worry, sometimes worrying to obsession about something - usually something I did or said or something coming up that I would allow to take over my thoughts and brain with the "What if"s until I couldn't think straight. I thought perhaps I was just a worrywort, or it was part of my recovering perfectionism, or I was just a little bit obsessive compulsive.

On Sunday morning I woke up as I do on many a morning when my brain fears it has nothing to do and that I won't need it any more if it doesn't start doing something. I was thinking about my upcoming trip to New Jersey. In my still partly asleep state, I was going over all kinds of 'what if's. I have traveled around the world a bit - to Europe, to Hawaii, to the east coast. But everytime, I was with at least one other person. I have actually traveled alone as well, but generally it was a quick one stop flight somewhere on the west coast. Something about traveling to the 'other' coast, changing planes in Atlanta, arriving at a huge airport at 10:30 pm, then reversing the cycle and doing it all on the way home got me filled with fear. I am also taking a day to be a tourist in New York City which was starting to feel overwhelming.

Add to this all the things I have going on in my life -- newsletters to finish and get out, packing to do (oh my gosh what can I bring on the plane? Can I bring a Kashi bar in my purse? Can I bring hair product? Will there be a terrorist sitting next to me? Sorry, brain taking over again.), my office looked like a hurricane had done it's damage and I was feeling completely out of control.

Jay and I talked about some of these fears and I had a bit of a gameplan for tackling them as we drove to church. However, on the drive, I noticed I was experiencing severe anxiety that I felt so deeply in my body that I thought I would explode. I literally felt in pain on many levels.

A guest speaker awaited us that morning -- a radio talk show host and author named Jeff Bell talking about the concepts in his new book - When in Doubt, Make Belief . Well yes, I thought I might be a little OCD like I'm sometimes a little ADD but seriously? No. I don't wash my hands all day or check and re-check things. But I do obsess in my head and here's the key: I obsess to where it impacts my life. Everything he said hit home for me. I had lived the thoughts and feelings he described. At the end I felt like I could burst into tears. What an amazing thing to happen right when I needed it most.

I picked up his book and talked with him following the service (a genuinely very nice man). What struck me most about his talk and my reaction to it was not that I had a label to slap on myself, but that I had some tools for transforming my thoughts when they start to make me nuts. I don't want to feel so much anxiety and turmoil about things to the point of agony. What I saw for myself was that my oldest child, perfectionist, doubting self was really good at creating life being black or white and when it got gray and vague my mind tried to create some polarity in order to soothe me. Jeff said the best ways to deal with the thoughts (and this is outside of actually getting some psychologic help) is to remember your purpose and to be of service. That felt very positive to me.

What I know about myself is I can handle overwhelm better if I create a list. Ridding my head of all my 'to do's and onto paper where I can check them off is so helpful. I don't know if I need therapy. I do know I enjoyed the insights I got about myself and where my thoughts can take me. Now I'm going to read his book and focus on what I can do to better understand and love me in spite of my brain!

Creativity Time

This I know about myself -- I need creativity time every day. I need sensory pleasure every day. I need fun time every day. I need outside time everyday. Sounds like a lot of needs huh? But, each of these needs can be quite simple to fulfill. It really only takes a little taste of these things for me to feel happy and get my need tank topped off.

Today, for example, I made muffins. I know, so small. I love to look at cookbooks and recipes and blogs about food. I love different foods, different tastes and focusing on organic, wholesome but oh so tasty food. So last night I found a very interesting sounding recipe for Lucia muffins. They have saffron and golden raisins and almonds and sounded just interesting and different enough to ignite my creative spark. I went shopping following dinner with my BFF -- off to Trader Joe's we went in search of semi-exotic ingredients my kitchen did not possess, such as saffron and buttermilk. I felt excited thinking of my morning with my honey and making homemade muffins. You have to understand that generally breakfast 7 days a week for me is oatmeal with a variety of fruit and yogurt. Honey makes himself his own granola with oatmeal or peanut butter toast. So this felt like a special and fun Saturday morning 'Occasion'! Why shouldn't Saturday morning, or any morning feel like an Occasion?

They were glorious - golden/orange from the saffron, not too sweet, almost like cornbread in texture, the golden raisins giving them a hint of sweet deliciousness. What a small simple pleasure. We added fresh squeezed orange juice from our tree, sliced bananas and strawberries and the meal was a culinary experience for a king and queen.

Creative energy in the kitchen - great start to my Saturday. Now off to fulfill my need for the great outdoors. What do you need?

Letting Go Again -- Good bye Precious Jewel

It was almost exactly one year ago that we said good bye to my dear orange cat Willy. Now we are readying ourselves to say good bye to PJ (Precious Jewel or Puddle Jumper), our mini dauchund. PJ is 16 years old, well 16 and 1/2 Jay informed me. She has lived a very long and happy life. Jay got her as a cute little puppy, oh so adorable from the pictures I've seen.

PJ came into my life 5 years ago, when I began my relationship with her owner, and I was smitten right away (by both of them). I loved how excited she would be to see me, and how much she loved to sit in my lap. Jay would joke about how I was now her best friend and how my lap was the perfect lap. It did seem every time I'd sit down, there she was immediately. Her needs were simple -- her people around her, or being allowed to go with us wherever we might go. Being very small, it was easy to take her with -- to relatives, the store, a drive. She loved to ride, and you guessed it, she rode on my lap.

I discovered she was quite fond of catching whatever morsels might fall while I made dinner or prepared my salad for lunch. She'd come running from wherever she was as soon as she'd hear the chopping, then sit absolutely still, eyes glued to my knife, waiting. A bit of lettuce would fall, no thanks, but drop a piece of carrot, and she was on that in a heartbeat. I took to giving the pretense of peeling the carrots, in the vicinity of the garbage, but allowing the pieces to fall to the ground around the can, where PJ would happily gobble every bit. I discovered she liked more and more of the vegetables I ate and the fruit as well, so morning fruit chopping became another favorite time of day for her, apples and bananas her favorite.

We have taken trips with her, ridden our bikes with her in the basket, given her baths, clipped her diggers, and watched while she practically inhaled pieces of chocolate (yes, she was fed that on a regular basis and she loved it). She woke us up excitedly in the morning, hopping and jumping so happy to see us. She has always been a complete love, giving her love to us so very generously and we have truly enjoyed her companionship.

For my sweetie, this is an especially poignant time. He always knew this would be hard. They have been companions for 16 years. She was the child he never had. I believe he learned a lot about nurturing and care from having her in his life. Together we bless these memories, bless her for being so sweet and count ourselves lucky for having known her and shared some time with her.

She is not well. Walking is near to impossible. Tomorrow will probably be her last day. So as we look back over our memories and muster our courage to say goodbye, I'd like to reflect on my relationship with her in these four questions:

1. What memory am I leaving behind that I will not miss? How she could get stinky when she needed a bath!

2. What memory am I leaving behind that I will miss? Her sitting oh so contented in my lap, admiration and adoration written all over her face. May I provide that for those I love.

3. What PJ characteristic do I want to take with me? Her unstoppable joy. She was joyous at the drop of a hat, and held no grudge.

4. What characteristic of hers do I want to cultivate in my life? Sensory pleasure - the feel of fabrics, rain, grass, carpet, the smell of bar-b-que, chocolate, chipmunks to chase, the taste of my hand, licking my ice cream bowl, M&Ms, the sound of us coming home which made her jump and bark for joy. These little, small but so very rich pleasures of life, made her a happy pup. May I so appreciate all these pleasures in my daily life as well.

Thank you P. We love you so much. As we told you every day, "you are such a good dog".

Lately I've been thinking and reading a lot about the art of writing. I love to write. I have a degree in English so I guess I've always fancied myself as somewhat of a writer, though I rarely gave myself the actual title of Writer. Unlike many folks, I haven't had a lifelong dream to write and publish a book and I don't currently write poetry or stories. Yet, I enjoy expressing myself through words and what I'm truly enjoying right now is exploring both being a better writer and spending more time in creative pursuit of writing via journaling.

When I have trouble sorting through problems or mind-numbing life equations, a nagging inner voice begins prompting me to "go write!". Yet I resist and so often many other activities end up taking priority. I do know that when I take the time to be with myself and just write, whatever flows from my heart to the page, I have felt much more clear and more focused. It is the resistance to allocating this time, that I now question. Why do I resist? What do I fear? Are there answers I'm avoiding hearing?

With this new year, I have a new desire (no, it's not a "Should") to journal more frequently and creatively. I'm also giving myself a few minutes every morning to doodle using a prompt. My inner artist is calling very loudly to me and I'm listening.

I'm heeding the call and asking what about you? Would you like to join me? Do you have a repetitive yearning to begin or to maintain a journal practice? Do you resist journaling, yet have a sneaking suspicion that it might actually be good for you? Would you like some form of structure in order to explore how journaling might change your life?

I'm planning a journaling group to begin at the beginning of February. Our group would meet, either in person or by telephone on a weekly basis. I would supply journaling prompts and coaching around your journaling practice, and I'll facilitate group coaching as your ideas and feelings float to the surface.

* What would you like to see happen in 2010?
* What are your personal goals and aspirations?

Triggering your right brain is a great way to allow your creative mind to set the wheels in motion. Contact me if this is speaking to you. Together we can unveil and release the treasure that has been lying dormant, ready to be discovered.

I'm Turning 55

Well it's officially here. I have gone from 54 to 55 which feels more monumental than just moving up one number. 55 sounds like a real "senior" number. 55 can get me a discount at some places. 55 means I have outlived my father already by 18 years.

What have all these years brought me? What have I learned? Where do I go from here? Somehow it feels significant, as if the years left are dwindling. I know I can and will live on for many more; I guess the question is the life in my years.

So to answer my own questions, I'd like to take a look at where I've been and the gratitude I have for my life right here, right now.

I have had the amazing opportunity to meet many people through my career as a coach -- both fellow coaches and coachees. I have such great connection with other coaches all over the US and my clients have also stretched from coast to coast. It is always such a pleasure and priviledge for me to make these new contacts, to learn more about myself, the world and how I can contribute. These people have all contributed to my life and I pray I have contributed to theirs.

I have a fantastic family - and a pretty large one at that. I am so grateful for my son, daughter, son-in-law and baby grandson. I have 2 sweet sisters and 2 brothers. Between them all I have 8 neices and 4 nephews, and a great neice and nephew! Of course there is my mom, and many aunts uncles and cousins too. My boyfriend and his famiy -- sister, neice, nephew, mother and partner, create even more fabulous bonds. I am celebrating my birthday with many of these people and I acknowledge and send love to the ones I can't see.

I feel so lucky to have many friends from all walks of life --many of whom come from my long law career.

So what the years have taught me, is the strength of bonds like these. I am also grateful that I have the basics of life - a place to live, food to eat, etc. But what has really sustained me and grown me through my life are the bonds with the people in my life and the lessons I have learned not only from the happy relationships, but the ones that ended by my choice or not. I have learned continuously from them all about who I am and how to be a better person in life.

Where do I go from here? As it was from my beginnings, the sky is the limit. I am only limited by my own imagination. I will be the best ME I can be, fully enjoying each moment with those around me and savoring the moments I might be alone, just me and my thoughts. I still like to think of myself as middle aged. Heck I could live to 110!! Anything is possible.

My mission from here - to nurture and nourish myself and those around me as best I can. Here's to the next 55!!