Reverb 10

I just signed up for this marvelous project to spend December reflecting back on 2010. Here is the story of Reverb 10 http://www.reverb10.com/ and its' founders. Loving the idea of reflecting back at this time of year anyway, I immediately signed up. I'll be posting the questions and my responses daily. I've got some catching up to do, so here's the first few days:

December 1 - One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

The word that is coming to mind is Celebrate. I became a certified life-cycle celebrant this year, something I'm quite proud of and something that totally suits me. I performed 2 ceremonies for folks and have a couple more lined up for 2011. We celebrated my grandson's first birthday and a couple of weddings. I led several retreats this year which felt marvelously successful in terms of turnout and feedback and good feelings which is a celebration for me. I enjoy focusing on the celebration of life, on what is good. In 2011 I'm going on a week long trip to Puerta Vallarta Mexico and to Italy in the fall, so my word will be adventure.

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

Good question for me. I am so focused on writing, as Natalie Goldberg says a 'writing practice' just like a meditation or yoga practice. I want to have that writing practice and be a good writer, express what's in me. Yet instead of doing it, I spend lots of time reading interesting things online, on facebook too long or engaged in what I would characterize as "goofing off". Not making the time for it is the problem and I need to eliminate my self talk that convinces me to do something other than write. It feels like a fitting it in issue but I know I can if I put my mind to it.


December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

The weekend of my birthday in August I signed up for a Saturday writers retreat and stayed the night by myself on the coast in a tiny cottage. Sunday was my 'do what Cindie wants' day and I hiked the coast line. Walking along in solitude on a gorgeous day, a huge turkey vulture suddenly swooped over my head. I didn't realize that was what it was initially but was mesmerized by this bird that was so big it made me think of a dinosaur! I stood there watching it fly right above my head, quietly saying "Wow" over and over. Continuing on my walk I stopped and looked out at the ocean. There in the water were whales, jumping and leaping. I watched them for some time, amazed, not expecting them. I also locked gazes with a beautiful deer and saw multitudes of other birds. It was a moment of unbelievable beauty all around me and I felt so very lucky to be experiencing it all.

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

I think being around my grandson on a regular basis as he grows has reconnected me to wonder. I see the world through his eyes and they are so much broader than my adult eyes. Taking a walk down the sidewalk is cause for wonder every step. He stops when he sees something and says "OH". We pick up leaves, we look at lady bugs, we notice a puddle of water. He invites me to join him in his curiosity, patting the sidewalk "nana", "cmmmon", meaning come on nana, sit here next to me. Destinations are irrelevant. We notice the wind on our face and the train whistle across town and I am filled with wonder and gratitude.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

I'm letting go (still a work in progress) of things being a certain way while at the same time letting go of accepting what is if I am not happy with it. My relationship has been a study for me all year as I wrestle with what is important to me and what I can let go of there. I have let go of things being the way they were with my mom and brother and have formed new relationships with them that are still evolving and changing but are feeling more satisfying. I am letting go of needing to be perfect and have let go of letting what other people do upset me. I am letting go of worry.

What great questions. What a great idea. How would you answer some of these? Please share.

A Room of One's Own

I spent several hours yesterday and today creating an art space for myself. This is the before picture. Sweetie and I decided to create my longed for space in the closet of the guest room or what we call Beau's room since he sleeps there when he comes to town. I have been in the midst of examining how I can make my home feel more like home. What do I need to feel at home, and comfortable? One thing I have been missing is both the time and the location to be creative. I have an office with my computer, file cabinet and 5, yes 5 bookcases full of books. It's very cramped and there is barely room for me to do my writing and researching which is what I primarily do there, and no room for art. I wanted and needed some clear space to create an art journal that I want to be a work in progress, to paint, to draw, doodle and collage my ideas. Being a retreat coach leader, I have a LOT of resources, gifts for retreat participants, and other sundry items for retreating that were basically all boxed in this spare room closet along with all of our gift wrap, gift bags and ribbons. Nothing was easily accessible and I didn't have a good space to work.

So we brain stormed and collaborated and came up with a fabulous combination of our ideas and styles. Jay is organized, orderly, and I am, well I tend to be a hurricane in motion, a stuffer and a stacker. We visualized a space that would be orderly and organized, everything accessible and would give me freedom of expression in my whirlwind fashion. Ta da! Here is our fabulous result: a totally inexpensive desk ($5) and chair ($2), plus bins for storage of all wrapping paper and my retreat materials on the shelf above the desk, along with storage on the desk for all my colored pens, paints, glue sticks, magazines and art journal!


This is my sweet spot for inspiration and as you can see it has everything I need to feel at home including a refreshing drink (cranberry sparkling water), a painting created by my son years ago, and in the basket a gift from my daughter - a heart that says "world's best mom". Now I feel comforted and supported. I've got a yummy candle, plenty of light and my art journal where I am creating my bucket list and visually documenting my dreams for this next year.

It's important to have our space, important to have space for expression. How are you creating home for yourself? Look for information soon about my upcoming (October 30) fall retreat "Coming Home", a chance to savor fall and explore what makes you feel at home both in your home and within yourself.

These are a Few of My Favorite Things

My 16 month old grandson was staying the day with us today. He had tuckered himself out running all over the social hall at church and fell asleep in his car seat on the way home. Jay carefully unfastened the car seat and set him in the easy chair in the living room to continue his nap from his throne. Paternally, Jay laid on the couch, keeping an eye on him as he slept.

My mission during this quiet time, was to create my summer red sauce -- homemade spaghetti sauce. Ripe red tomatoes, bursting at the seams, onion of course, zucchini cut in tiny 1/4 rounds, plus one cut up chicken sausage needed to be readied. I cut and chopped these ingredients, adding some shredded fresh basil and tomato paste, as quietly as I could, all the while waiting for the pot to boil for the spaghetti, then adding the spaghetti, turning the vegetables, stirring, adding, flavor, lid for the pot, pasta done, drain, rinse, so many details to all be orchestrated at once. There was a rhythm to my process though and I felt I flowed through it easily and gently from pan to pan, savoring the smells I was creating. I realized how much work it is to make fresh pasta sauce - and yet, I was so happy doing it, knowing how fresh it would taste, how my baby would wake up and something absolutely wonderful would await him, not to mention how much his grandparents were going to love it. So much effort, dishes dirtied, and yet...and yet, I love to do this. Is it the simplicity of it despite the effort, how delicious fresh vegetables in a simple sauce can taste? Is it something I have created, in a meditative manner, chop, chop, stir, slice, the partners in the dance coming together so easily and beautifully?

I believe it might be both of these things, plus the joy of eating it with those I love, a tradition that will go on and on through the ages. Hand made with love, you just can't buy that.

The Zen of Kayaking

I spent half a day kayaking yesterday, a beautiful, sunny clear day, the river quiet. I paddled with 3 other people, not a solitary journey, and yet I felt the joy of a peaceful time with nature. I'm sure I'm not the first person to take note of kayaking as a metaphor for life. Many inspirational bits have been written about going with the flow, not paddling upstream, not rocking the boat, captain of your own ship. The list is endless. There is much about these metaphors that I resonated with, that made me sit up and take notice of the messages.

I am not an expert kayaker by any means. I have been several times but I still struggle with doing it "right". Keeping my boat going straight down the river is sometimes a challenge and a preoccupation for me. Left. Right. Left. Right. Stop going to the left!! Paddle, paddle, turn around, start over. What I learned yesterday was that I was making it too hard. I was struggling too much when I didn't need to. The current didn't require me to make deep plunging swoops with my paddle, working and working, exhausting myself in the effort. It only required that I literally go with the flow -- let my boat float and with ease and gentleness bring it back to center as needed. Wow, there's a message. I work so hard, in everything, only to end up cranky, sore and tired, and not even where I thought I was going.

Then there is the part where you head the boat down the river, centering yourself. This is the most efficient way to paddle the river, pointing the nose of the boat ahead, keeping centered. Staying centered? Focused on my goal? Where did that come from?

The other wonderful part about kayaking, is how much wild life you can see from the river. Hiking is awesome but being on the trail, I do not experience quite the wonder of birds flying right across my path, egrets and herons standing on the shore, turtles sunning themselves on the rocks, beavers swimming by, then punctuating their visit with a slap of the tail. We were all there on the river, enjoying what the day had to offer, in the quiet stillness.

So what is my 'take-away'? To stay centered on my goals, and to stop trying so hard to make life work. I don't have to figure it out, make it work or become cranky to move myself forward. I need only allow myself to work with what the river offers, gently but firmly, to not only move forward, but be in the moment of the beauty happening all around me.

Finding Courage

My son has been on a path of discovery. He took a year off from his state job to be in a place of self-exploration. During this time he and I made many treks to Green Gulch Zen Center, some of them for the day, some of them when I was dropping him off or picking him up from spending time there. He was becoming more and more involved with the zen lifestyle of yoga, meditation, organic gardening. As he continued to pursue, open-hearted, he was led to check out another similar place -- Great Vow Monastery in Portland, Oregon, and his meditation practice led him to the decision to complete a 5 day silent 'sit', which means meditating for most of the day, in silence.

This decision was no small matter as he lives in Santa Barbara, a distance of well over 900 miles one way. Did I mention my son is visually impaired and does not drive? He took the train/bus from Santa Barbara to Sacramento, stayed a few days, then was scheduled to take the train the rest of the distance beginning at midnight. That night as I was readying for bed I realized I had a phone message from him. He was already at the train station 2 hours ahead of time, his friend having dropped him off, waiting. He faced a 15 hour ride on the train, alone, all night and into the next day.

I was suddenly overcome with emotion that initially felt like fear and concern for his safety. Although he is 28 years old and very intelligent, I worry about people somehow taking advantage of him, or an something unsavory happening to him due to his visual challenges. There he was, in the station, 2 hours to kill, plus so many ahead. He did not have his computer reader so could not 'read' books on the train. His trip sounded rather horrendous to me, scary, long, boring even. What started to creep into my emotions over and in front of the sadness was amazing respect. I knew what it was taking for him to make this journey, then stay the night in Portland (a town he does not know) in a youth hostel, not to mention the week at the monastery and another 15 hour train ride back to Sacramento. This was really HUGE! And why was he doing it? For himself, for his own journey. By this time I was laying in bed sobbing. I sobbed first from maternal concern, then for my utter Blown Away-ness of what he was doing, and last for me. What courage he was demonstrating, to want to do something for one's self so badly, to have that much determination, I felt humbled that I did not feel I possessed enough of that same quality to do something equally courageous for my self, for something good for me.

And in that moment, I recognized how much more deeply I loved my son for that gift.

Transitioning through changes, rarely easy or comfortable, usually requiring our utmost strength and courage.

On Sunday I had a monumental, life-changing experience. I learned something new about myself. I have always known I had a tendency to worry, sometimes worrying to obsession about something - usually something I did or said or something coming up that I would allow to take over my thoughts and brain with the "What if"s until I couldn't think straight. I thought perhaps I was just a worrywort, or it was part of my recovering perfectionism, or I was just a little bit obsessive compulsive.

On Sunday morning I woke up as I do on many a morning when my brain fears it has nothing to do and that I won't need it any more if it doesn't start doing something. I was thinking about my upcoming trip to New Jersey. In my still partly asleep state, I was going over all kinds of 'what if's. I have traveled around the world a bit - to Europe, to Hawaii, to the east coast. But everytime, I was with at least one other person. I have actually traveled alone as well, but generally it was a quick one stop flight somewhere on the west coast. Something about traveling to the 'other' coast, changing planes in Atlanta, arriving at a huge airport at 10:30 pm, then reversing the cycle and doing it all on the way home got me filled with fear. I am also taking a day to be a tourist in New York City which was starting to feel overwhelming.

Add to this all the things I have going on in my life -- newsletters to finish and get out, packing to do (oh my gosh what can I bring on the plane? Can I bring a Kashi bar in my purse? Can I bring hair product? Will there be a terrorist sitting next to me? Sorry, brain taking over again.), my office looked like a hurricane had done it's damage and I was feeling completely out of control.

Jay and I talked about some of these fears and I had a bit of a gameplan for tackling them as we drove to church. However, on the drive, I noticed I was experiencing severe anxiety that I felt so deeply in my body that I thought I would explode. I literally felt in pain on many levels.

A guest speaker awaited us that morning -- a radio talk show host and author named Jeff Bell talking about the concepts in his new book - When in Doubt, Make Belief . Well yes, I thought I might be a little OCD like I'm sometimes a little ADD but seriously? No. I don't wash my hands all day or check and re-check things. But I do obsess in my head and here's the key: I obsess to where it impacts my life. Everything he said hit home for me. I had lived the thoughts and feelings he described. At the end I felt like I could burst into tears. What an amazing thing to happen right when I needed it most.

I picked up his book and talked with him following the service (a genuinely very nice man). What struck me most about his talk and my reaction to it was not that I had a label to slap on myself, but that I had some tools for transforming my thoughts when they start to make me nuts. I don't want to feel so much anxiety and turmoil about things to the point of agony. What I saw for myself was that my oldest child, perfectionist, doubting self was really good at creating life being black or white and when it got gray and vague my mind tried to create some polarity in order to soothe me. Jeff said the best ways to deal with the thoughts (and this is outside of actually getting some psychologic help) is to remember your purpose and to be of service. That felt very positive to me.

What I know about myself is I can handle overwhelm better if I create a list. Ridding my head of all my 'to do's and onto paper where I can check them off is so helpful. I don't know if I need therapy. I do know I enjoyed the insights I got about myself and where my thoughts can take me. Now I'm going to read his book and focus on what I can do to better understand and love me in spite of my brain!

Creativity Time

This I know about myself -- I need creativity time every day. I need sensory pleasure every day. I need fun time every day. I need outside time everyday. Sounds like a lot of needs huh? But, each of these needs can be quite simple to fulfill. It really only takes a little taste of these things for me to feel happy and get my need tank topped off.

Today, for example, I made muffins. I know, so small. I love to look at cookbooks and recipes and blogs about food. I love different foods, different tastes and focusing on organic, wholesome but oh so tasty food. So last night I found a very interesting sounding recipe for Lucia muffins. They have saffron and golden raisins and almonds and sounded just interesting and different enough to ignite my creative spark. I went shopping following dinner with my BFF -- off to Trader Joe's we went in search of semi-exotic ingredients my kitchen did not possess, such as saffron and buttermilk. I felt excited thinking of my morning with my honey and making homemade muffins. You have to understand that generally breakfast 7 days a week for me is oatmeal with a variety of fruit and yogurt. Honey makes himself his own granola with oatmeal or peanut butter toast. So this felt like a special and fun Saturday morning 'Occasion'! Why shouldn't Saturday morning, or any morning feel like an Occasion?

They were glorious - golden/orange from the saffron, not too sweet, almost like cornbread in texture, the golden raisins giving them a hint of sweet deliciousness. What a small simple pleasure. We added fresh squeezed orange juice from our tree, sliced bananas and strawberries and the meal was a culinary experience for a king and queen.

Creative energy in the kitchen - great start to my Saturday. Now off to fulfill my need for the great outdoors. What do you need?

Letting Go Again -- Good bye Precious Jewel

It was almost exactly one year ago that we said good bye to my dear orange cat Willy. Now we are readying ourselves to say good bye to PJ (Precious Jewel or Puddle Jumper), our mini dauchund. PJ is 16 years old, well 16 and 1/2 Jay informed me. She has lived a very long and happy life. Jay got her as a cute little puppy, oh so adorable from the pictures I've seen.

PJ came into my life 5 years ago, when I began my relationship with her owner, and I was smitten right away (by both of them). I loved how excited she would be to see me, and how much she loved to sit in my lap. Jay would joke about how I was now her best friend and how my lap was the perfect lap. It did seem every time I'd sit down, there she was immediately. Her needs were simple -- her people around her, or being allowed to go with us wherever we might go. Being very small, it was easy to take her with -- to relatives, the store, a drive. She loved to ride, and you guessed it, she rode on my lap.

I discovered she was quite fond of catching whatever morsels might fall while I made dinner or prepared my salad for lunch. She'd come running from wherever she was as soon as she'd hear the chopping, then sit absolutely still, eyes glued to my knife, waiting. A bit of lettuce would fall, no thanks, but drop a piece of carrot, and she was on that in a heartbeat. I took to giving the pretense of peeling the carrots, in the vicinity of the garbage, but allowing the pieces to fall to the ground around the can, where PJ would happily gobble every bit. I discovered she liked more and more of the vegetables I ate and the fruit as well, so morning fruit chopping became another favorite time of day for her, apples and bananas her favorite.

We have taken trips with her, ridden our bikes with her in the basket, given her baths, clipped her diggers, and watched while she practically inhaled pieces of chocolate (yes, she was fed that on a regular basis and she loved it). She woke us up excitedly in the morning, hopping and jumping so happy to see us. She has always been a complete love, giving her love to us so very generously and we have truly enjoyed her companionship.

For my sweetie, this is an especially poignant time. He always knew this would be hard. They have been companions for 16 years. She was the child he never had. I believe he learned a lot about nurturing and care from having her in his life. Together we bless these memories, bless her for being so sweet and count ourselves lucky for having known her and shared some time with her.

She is not well. Walking is near to impossible. Tomorrow will probably be her last day. So as we look back over our memories and muster our courage to say goodbye, I'd like to reflect on my relationship with her in these four questions:

1. What memory am I leaving behind that I will not miss? How she could get stinky when she needed a bath!

2. What memory am I leaving behind that I will miss? Her sitting oh so contented in my lap, admiration and adoration written all over her face. May I provide that for those I love.

3. What PJ characteristic do I want to take with me? Her unstoppable joy. She was joyous at the drop of a hat, and held no grudge.

4. What characteristic of hers do I want to cultivate in my life? Sensory pleasure - the feel of fabrics, rain, grass, carpet, the smell of bar-b-que, chocolate, chipmunks to chase, the taste of my hand, licking my ice cream bowl, M&Ms, the sound of us coming home which made her jump and bark for joy. These little, small but so very rich pleasures of life, made her a happy pup. May I so appreciate all these pleasures in my daily life as well.

Thank you P. We love you so much. As we told you every day, "you are such a good dog".

Lately I've been thinking and reading a lot about the art of writing. I love to write. I have a degree in English so I guess I've always fancied myself as somewhat of a writer, though I rarely gave myself the actual title of Writer. Unlike many folks, I haven't had a lifelong dream to write and publish a book and I don't currently write poetry or stories. Yet, I enjoy expressing myself through words and what I'm truly enjoying right now is exploring both being a better writer and spending more time in creative pursuit of writing via journaling.

When I have trouble sorting through problems or mind-numbing life equations, a nagging inner voice begins prompting me to "go write!". Yet I resist and so often many other activities end up taking priority. I do know that when I take the time to be with myself and just write, whatever flows from my heart to the page, I have felt much more clear and more focused. It is the resistance to allocating this time, that I now question. Why do I resist? What do I fear? Are there answers I'm avoiding hearing?

With this new year, I have a new desire (no, it's not a "Should") to journal more frequently and creatively. I'm also giving myself a few minutes every morning to doodle using a prompt. My inner artist is calling very loudly to me and I'm listening.

I'm heeding the call and asking what about you? Would you like to join me? Do you have a repetitive yearning to begin or to maintain a journal practice? Do you resist journaling, yet have a sneaking suspicion that it might actually be good for you? Would you like some form of structure in order to explore how journaling might change your life?

I'm planning a journaling group to begin at the beginning of February. Our group would meet, either in person or by telephone on a weekly basis. I would supply journaling prompts and coaching around your journaling practice, and I'll facilitate group coaching as your ideas and feelings float to the surface.

* What would you like to see happen in 2010?
* What are your personal goals and aspirations?

Triggering your right brain is a great way to allow your creative mind to set the wheels in motion. Contact me if this is speaking to you. Together we can unveil and release the treasure that has been lying dormant, ready to be discovered.

I'm Turning 55

Well it's officially here. I have gone from 54 to 55 which feels more monumental than just moving up one number. 55 sounds like a real "senior" number. 55 can get me a discount at some places. 55 means I have outlived my father already by 18 years.

What have all these years brought me? What have I learned? Where do I go from here? Somehow it feels significant, as if the years left are dwindling. I know I can and will live on for many more; I guess the question is the life in my years.

So to answer my own questions, I'd like to take a look at where I've been and the gratitude I have for my life right here, right now.

I have had the amazing opportunity to meet many people through my career as a coach -- both fellow coaches and coachees. I have such great connection with other coaches all over the US and my clients have also stretched from coast to coast. It is always such a pleasure and priviledge for me to make these new contacts, to learn more about myself, the world and how I can contribute. These people have all contributed to my life and I pray I have contributed to theirs.

I have a fantastic family - and a pretty large one at that. I am so grateful for my son, daughter, son-in-law and baby grandson. I have 2 sweet sisters and 2 brothers. Between them all I have 8 neices and 4 nephews, and a great neice and nephew! Of course there is my mom, and many aunts uncles and cousins too. My boyfriend and his famiy -- sister, neice, nephew, mother and partner, create even more fabulous bonds. I am celebrating my birthday with many of these people and I acknowledge and send love to the ones I can't see.

I feel so lucky to have many friends from all walks of life --many of whom come from my long law career.

So what the years have taught me, is the strength of bonds like these. I am also grateful that I have the basics of life - a place to live, food to eat, etc. But what has really sustained me and grown me through my life are the bonds with the people in my life and the lessons I have learned not only from the happy relationships, but the ones that ended by my choice or not. I have learned continuously from them all about who I am and how to be a better person in life.

Where do I go from here? As it was from my beginnings, the sky is the limit. I am only limited by my own imagination. I will be the best ME I can be, fully enjoying each moment with those around me and savoring the moments I might be alone, just me and my thoughts. I still like to think of myself as middle aged. Heck I could live to 110!! Anything is possible.

My mission from here - to nurture and nourish myself and those around me as best I can. Here's to the next 55!!

Turning 55, Who's Body is This?

So here's a shock. I'm standing in the closet the other day, trying to figure out what I'm wearing (a frequent past time for me). I'm wearing nothing but my underwear and as I glance down at myself and notice my legs, what occurs to me is "who's body is this?" When did my legs get to be this mottled, dimpled looking sort of texture? Heavens I have old lady legs! And of course this is only the beginning. My body has many more tricks up it's sleeve, speaking of which, I can now make a loud flapping noise using my left arm as a musical instrument, this mysterious flap of extra skin jiggling most attractively. Lovely.

I've already allowed my hair to go gray and I really don't mind that, in fact I rather like it. What I do mind is the abundance of hair I'm starting to see on my face, not to mention the fact that I can't see my face without the magnifying mirror. Ah yes, my body is aging right before my eyes (if I can look closely). It's amazing and rather life changing. I look at myself somewhat differently. I'm an older woman now. My gosh I felt like I was still in my 40s if not younger!

I'm still very healthy and robust, I walk, lift weights and do yoga several times a week. I eat very well, so my body feels good (with the exception of my arthritic hands which we are not focusing on). All in all, my body is great, with this "aging" process happening.

Here in my second half of life, I wish to embrace this body, to deepen the relationship I have with myself through learning to read my body, noticing how my emotions impact my physical health and to just be conscious and mindful of what my body is telling me. I will also be careful to not judge or criticize when I notice changes but feel grateful of what these changes symbolize.

My legs look old - I am grateful that these legs have carried me so very far, through the completion of 3 marathons, through numerous miles of hiking and walking and pacing with babies. They have done squats and yoga and climbed walls and pumped a swing. Thank you legs.

My arms are getting flabby - I am grateful for these arms that have lifted babies, carried my dying Irish setter to the car, lifted groceries, pulled weeds, stirred soup, folded clothes, typed papers, washed cars, hugged countless loving men, women and children. They have waved hello and good bye and danced in the arms of a man. Thank you arms.

My face is changing, sprouting hairs - I am grateful for this face that I have grown to love because it is uniquely mine. The face that had freckles and a turned up nose, the face that got sunburned at the mention of sunshine, the face that has faced a sunrise with glee and a sunset with awe, a face that has kissed boo boos, been cried upon with joy and with sadness. I am grateful for this face.

My eyes have trouble seeing - I am grateful for these green eyes of mine. Whether I can see well to read or not, whether I can see well to drive or not, I can indeed see the glorious colors of Life around me, I see the faces and eyes of not only people I meet, but people I love, I see the magic of my grandbaby's arrival and the dying breath of my kitty. I have seen foreign lands and fantastical sites here in the US. My eyes have seen and read many emotions in the eyes of others. I am grateful for these eyes.

This is my body, slightly different look, same wonderful functions.

Next up, "what was I going to do next?"

Turning 55, What I've Learned So Far

Wow, I guess that was a big bite to take. I think it would fill way more than one blog to talk about what I've learned on this journey called life. But here is my capsule version:

1. Don't take yourself too seriously. Seriously, life is short. We aren't perfect beings, we are learning as we go. Do the best you can and forgive what wasn't what you might have liked.

2. Do what it takes to be happy and the rest will fall into place. The older I get, the more I discover that doing what makes me happy, and avoiding that which doesn't, makes everything work so much better.

3. Pay attention to what is inside your hoola hoop, and leave every thing outside it to others.

4. Love yourself - I mean truly, madly, deeply. Love the bulges, the bumps, the imperfections, the bad hair days, the mistakes, the moods. It is all part of who we are.

5. The past is the past. Heal what you need to, forgive who you need to, apologize to who you need to, and move on. The power is in the present. Ram Das was right - Be Here Now.

Those are my key points. New post - who's body is this??

Turning 55

I'm turning 55 this summer. I'm not embarrassed to admit that. Age has not meant much to me since I turned the big 5-0. However, I am slowly recognizing the landmark 55 represents. I'm a coach devoted to coaching mid-life women and this blog is devoted to tips and tools and musings by a 'mid-life' woman. Will I still be at midlife when I'm 55? Or will I officially become a Senior?

Between now and my August birthday, I'm going to be posting blogs relevant to my thoughts, processes, worries and joys around age and turning 55 in paraticular. If you relate in any way, please feel free to post your comments.

First off, my thoughts on the age itself and what it means. As I said, my last significant birthday was turning 50. I enjoyed that. It felt like a huge landmark. I was more secure in myself and more comfortable in my own skin than I had been my entire life. I celebrated with a party at my house. I felt fully alive, grateful and loved. Since then, it's just numbers. Until now...

What does 55 mean? It means I have already outlived my father by almost 20 years. It means I do qualify for a senior discount in many places. The number sounds like someone approaching or well into retirement. The number sounds like someone who is a grandmother (yes). It means I am even more whole and happy and content with myself than 5 years ago.

What do these numbers mean to you? Have you hit a significant age or are you about to?

Next blog, what I've learned thus far on this journey.

"Everyone is a house with four rooms: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person."-- Rumer Godden

A favorite author of mine, Rumer Godden puts so eloquently something I believe in wholeheartedly, and not only work on with my clients, but practice myself. We've all heard the importance of life balance. Workshops and articles, books and Oprah shows abound on how to keep in balance. We all have seen the impact of a life unbalanced. We get cranky, resentful, tired and start making mistakes, dropping things and feel forgetful.

I have a large pie chart drawn on an oversized post-it note attached to my office door. I've divided the pie slices into what matters for me: mind, body, spirit, work, family, relationship, friends - basically the equivalent rooms of which Rumer speaks. I use this chart when I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed and unable to stay focused or get anything accomplished. I can come up with specific tasks I wish to accomplish in the separate areas and post them on tiny post-it notes in the appropriate section of the pie. This way I'm clear what I need to do and what needs to be done as well as clear on my progress and how out of balance I might be.

What are the signs you are tipping the scales out of balance? What have you found that works to keep you feeling in balance? Have you aired out all the rooms today?

The Cycles and Circles of Life's Transitions

I've been thinking a lot about circles and how they show up in my life. Our lives are never ending circles of beginnings and endings, then new beginnings, then an ending. We must let go of something to let something else happen. People are born, people die, we lose a friend, we gain a new friend, we give up a job to find our heart's content of a career, we let go of what is not working to find what does. Circles, cycles and transitions, change. It's all a part of life and yet we struggle with it and resist it because it doesn't always feel good.

I have just been blessed with one of the most remarkable events since the births of my own daughter and son -- the birth of my grandson. I feel so many of the same feelings I felt when they were born - wonder, delight, awe, emotions so near the surface I would cry just looking at their marvelous faces and hands. He evokes these same emotions plus more. Not only do I feel this amazing miracle of birth, I also experience new emotions watching my daughter, my precious little girl, delight in being a mommy --this is really the more heart-warming component -- the tenderness I feel watching her bond with him. It truly feels like the greatest expression of the circle of life, so pure and true.

I have two older cats - 11 and 14 years old. They have been with me since my daughter brought them home as kittens. Both big boy cats, they have been my loves through all these years. Loving and loyal, when I lived alone, they both slept on my bed with me. My 11 year old boy - Willy is a funny contradiction. On the one hand, he is a fighter. Watch out any intruder kitties, as Willy will faithfully defend his turf and family, gaining him a nicked ear and other assorted ailments through the years. On the other hand, he is the most loving and giving kitty, faithfully waiting for me to come get coffee every morning, purring and rubbing against my legs, his eyes all enlarged with the face that says "I love you soooooo much". Our morning ritual is that he purrs and rubs against me while I sit on the stairs and scratch his chin. He is true blue and I know how much he loves me.

Willy has been starting to show signs of his age and his brazen lifestyle. He exhibits a bit of a hitch in his get-along, has trouble jumping up onto things and his hips seem to give him trouble, especially in the morning. A lover of finding small dark quiet places to cram himself into, especially when he is not feeling well, I found him in a kitchen cabinet this morning. As he poured himself out the door, it appeared walking was very difficult. He made it to the water dish, only to hover there as if suffering from a hangover and wondering if he was about to give up last night's binge into the toilet. His eyes were cloudy and he looked to be in pain. No purring. No rubbing against me. I sat on the floor next to him and started to cry, knowing that Willy's time with me was most likely going to be short. I bought him some canned food - a real treat at my house, and plan to spoil him and keep him as comfy as possible for whatever time I have left with him.

It will be incredibly sad to lose this friend who has been so steadfast and true, who has brought me mice, consoled my tears, loved me no matter what. To say I will miss him sounds like such a small piece of it. I will miss him, but my heart feels so full with all he has given to me that I appreciate so much, that it is hard for me to fully express. At the end of his life, I can say many things about Willy, but foremost will be "well done good and faithful servant. May I be as good to others, as you have been to me."

I embrace the change. I have no choice and resisting will lead to more suffering. I embrace the good in the new life in my life and honor the good in the life passing on. Circles and transitions.

Finding Self Through Nature's Messages

Recently I gave a talk at a women's social group - My Girlfriend's Garden. My talk was about creative writing and journaling through connecting with nature. Part of the focus of my talk was on our ability to connect with ourselves and find answers to life's questions by paying attention to the messages nature has to offer.

Often when we feel stuck or mired in a problem, we stew about it and obsess over the details. For instance, how many nights have you had difficulty falling asleep because of persistent thoughts? It's easy to stay stuck when we are lying there, fighting the thoughts or sitting at our desks during the day with our minds constantly returning to the thoughts.

By contrast, the act of getting outside and walking - taking the time to disconnect from life distractions, while in forward motion, noticing what is around us, can be transformative, if we just allow ourselves to pay attention.

I have received many messages from nature. While I'm walking, I'll pose a question, then look for clues to the answer. Generally there will be a bird that suddenly shows up, or I'll notice the movement of the trees or the direction a flock of geese is flying. In that moment of noticing, I also have an answer.

Last June, my daughter was about 6 months pregnant, when doctors discovered that her baby boy - Jordan - did not have functioning kidneys. His amniotic fluid was disappearing and he was dying in the womb. My grandson to be did not make it. When I returned home following two very emotional days in San Francisco with my daughter and son-in-law I walked into my office and looked out the window. There outside my 2nd story window, was a swirling white group of what looked like little bugs, fairies, something almost mystical and magical. They were swirling and flying in a circle and as I watched them I just knew it was my grandson saying he was all right. I said thank you Jordan and watched them fly away.

This morning, for the 2nd day in a row, I've had a very large dragon fly on the inside of my office window, moving around. Yesterday I took him outside. This morning, there he was again - the same one or one of his friends. I wondered what was this about? What was the message? Here is something a friend discovered for me:

"The meaning of a dragonfly changes with each culture. The main symbolisms of the dragonfly are renewal, positive force and the power of life in general. Dragonflies can also be a symbol of the sense of self that comes with maturity. Also, as a creature of the wind, the dragonfly frequently represents change. And as a dragonfly lives a short life, it knows it must live its life to the fullest with the short time it has – which is a lesson for all of us."
From the Dragon Fly site (www.dragonfly-site.com)

Wow. I love that. Yes, I resonate with having a sense of self that comes with maturity and I'm definitely in a place to remember to live my life to the fullest right now. My daughter is pregnant again - her due date was yesterday, and yesterday I found myself being Worrying Mom - a role I usually choose not to play but every once in awhile I do. I was stressing about why he wasn't here yet despite all the signs that he was ready - lots of contractions for past 2 weeks, he's dropped, doctor swore he'd be early, etc. I was feeling 'something was wrong'. My daughter knew nothing was wrong, that her boy was just taking his time getting here.

Mother Earth talks to us constantly through all the wonders of nature. On this day to honor our Earth, take time to notice what messages are there for you, and plese feel free to share them here. Happy Earth Day!

Eagle vs Mouse

Have you ever had trouble making a decision? Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel? Been unable to find clarity in a new situation? Many times I have found it can be a matter of perspective. We get stuck because we are seeing a situation from one perspective and insights come if we take a different perspective.

It helps me to remember the idea of eagle vision vs. mouse vision. An eagle sees the big picture as he glides over the countryside and miraculously can see the big picture in enough detail to focus in and see one tiny mouse way down there. The mouse, on the other hand has the very focused, up close and personal vision of what is right in front of him as he scurries through the bushes. Both these perspectives have their advantages and their place in any given situation.

In times of confusion, of unorganized running to accomplish things, if I stop and develop awareness of both perspectives, sometimes ideas will click and solutions fall into place.

As an example, being in business for myself, I sometimes feel I have so many things going at once with coaching clients, other business women I'm collaborating with, writing, speaking, emails to follow up with, that I frequently feel the tug of so many threads dangling, so many loose ends to keep track of. On a day like today when I have no planned meetings and a large block of time for productive activities, I can feel like I have mouse perspective, running ADD-like from one half-finished task to another half-finished task, responding to an email, starting a blog, then whoa bright shiny objects, there's another thread to follow.

While the details are important to the flow of my work, and essential for forward movement, I also need to take time at least once a day to gain the perspective of the eagle. From high above my office I can see the big picture, I can see my mission and my purpose - "to support women who feel stuck to find their authentic and happier selves". From that vantage point I can create my daily To Do list which will take into account the big picture and even prioritize.

I invite you when feeling challenged to:

1. look at it from the eagle perspective and experience your heart's response
2. look at it from the mouse perspective and experience your heart's response
3. switch back and forth as needed for a fresh and creative perspective.

Inspiration for Changing Times

I was thinking about what it means, what it feels like to be inspired. I know when I focus on inspiration I feel uplifted. Many of us at midlife are finding ourselves heading down a different path than we ever imagined when we were younger. Suddenly so many 'older' folks are taking different jobs, different careers in order to make ends meet. Yesterday I listened to something on NPR about survival jobs, jobs folks are taking that may be minimum wage but they are helping them survive.

What can we do to get ourselves through these times when it feels so many are getting laid off, needing to get creative and desperately in need of inspiration? I say keep focusing on what makes you happy. What gets your juices going? What lights you up? Identify that and move towards finding a way to incorporate it into your daily life through a part time job, hobby or just an excursion.

If we can stay aligned as much as possible with our true nature, we feel better and consequently we ooze that good feeling out to the world which makes other people respond in kind, feeling like "I want some of what she's got".

So what makes you smile? I was having a down day the other day, pathetically allowing myself to get down, which then kept me in that downward spiral. I decided I needed a break from office and computer and went to a local outdoor shopping center. The energy there uplifts me. There is a big square with a huge fountain, and kids and families are always drawn to the fountain, watching it, yelling with glee as it spouts up. Even if the stores are closed, you see people sitting together talking. It's just nice. So I walked around and the sunshine and happy people started working their magic. I went in one of my favorite 'looking around' stores - Anthropologie. They have such fun clothes with the kind of detail that I love - appliques, flowers, lace, fun buttons. I noticed how the clothes were making me smile. Ah, good feeling. I tried on some things and one blouse looked really good on me! More smiles. Now had I been in a place of looking for a job, this would be a store that would make me feel good when I came to work.

I'm not suggesting retail therapy is the way to go. I'm saying look for what makes you smile. Look for signs of things showing up in your universe that say Yes - go this way, do this thing and keep going in the direction of your dreams. It is when we allow ourselves to follow our dreams that we are being true to who we are and will ultimately feel happier.

So what small thing can you do today that makes you smile? If you are struggling financially what part time job could you take on that is of interest to you? Something that lights you up? Maybe it's not in your chosen career path but completely different. Inspiration and outside the box thinking are all that is required.

One Step Forward Two Steps Back

As I look out my office window today, the weather, and my own current state of mind remind me of the hopeful then frustrated feelings we can have when experiencing the good, followed by "not what I wanted". We were blessed here in California with sunny spring-like weather last week. Ah it was so lovely as folks put their white feet in flip flops, played in the park, rode bikes and felt warm and free. Over the weekend the rain and cold weather returned, leaving my hands and feet perpetually frozen like blocks of ice, wishing they could melt in the warmth of the sun.

This morning there was frost on the housetops. Again, my feet are cold so I had my space heater on, directed to my popcycle toes. There is a wind blowing the trees outside my window so I know it's fairly chilly. Already I miss the spring of last week.

This feels like my life right now. I work so hard on my business, doing everything I can to market my message, get myself known, offer my services, make connections, feel like I'm doing the very best I can in coaching people, offering my strengths in a way that is meaningful to my clients. But then life can get in the way -- struggles with health insurance when one is self-employed, struggles with feeling that all my work is actually going to pay off, struggles of getting everything done, staying on task, remaining positive in the face of negativity. Back two steps I go. Where is my belief in my self? Where is my faith? So easy to be knocked off that horse, so much work to get back on.

Today in my vulnerable spot I am telling you that the trees know that spring will come. They trust that despite the fact that it is windy and cold today, they are blossoming, here in the now, confident and strong knowing that the cycles of the seasons will happen. Things change; sometimes for the better, sometimes not. It's the faith of the mustard seed folks and we all must have it or what else have we?

Treating Yourself with Abundance

Happy Self-Care Friday to all of you. I like to create an inspirational word each day that keeps me on track with my intentions throughout the day. Today my word was abundance. I, like many of you I'm sure, can have a tendency to get caught up from time to time in the "woe is me" regarding the economy. How can you not? I see examples of the economy's influence everywhere I look and with people I know. It can be so easy to start looking at my own financial picture and wondering how long I can hold out in "this economy". Feelings of lack and doubt do not help to build up self-esteem or bank accounts. We all know that what we focus on increases so the more I focus on what I don't have, guess what, that's what I have.

I decided I wanted to feel abundance in my life today in all areas. So I repeated the phrase I have abundance in my life. I have abundance in my life during my morning walk. I felt wealthy in many ways and life felt big. I kept repeating it throughout my day. Much evidence showed up that I do have an abundant life: I received in my mail today not only a fabulous letter from my son (not an email but an actual 2 page letter, bless his heart) and an unexpected check! Abundance. I noticed a tree in our yard was bursting with pink blossoms so I cut a few sprigs and placed them in a vase on my windowsill. Abundance.

This one word has made me feel more on purpose in my work today -- abundance in a very powerful coaching session with a client; abundance in my planning and writing activities for upcoming events. No place or room for lack today. If I had focused on what I don't have, I know an empty sad feeling would have followed me all day. That is not practicing self-care not self-neglect.

I find in working with people in a coaching relationship, so often they are focusing on what is not working. If we can open up the door just a little bit to experience the lightness of what IS working, their motivation starts to show up, they feel good about themselves and they can start to move forward.

I wish you all a weekend filled with abundance. Let me know how that shows up in your life.