Finding Peace

I am seeking peace about a couple of issues in my life. I noticed that today, Sunday, I am feeling what I would call depressed about both of these issues and sad. I felt as if I wanted to cry. I'm not real clear on the reasons for my emotional angst, but I have felt it before on Sundays. Maybe I have too much and too many expectations for my life, for what I do with my time. On Sundays when the day stretches out endlessly before me, I can become overcome with the shortness of time, of the zipping by of my weekend, of how much I didn't do that I wanted to do. Unfortunately, if I have nothing planned for the day, it feels even worse. All I can see ahead of me are the things that need to be done, that I didn't do yet, those things I don't really want to do or I am reluctant to begin, or for heaven's sake I would have done them already.

Is this malaise? Lethargy? It certainly feels joy-less. I am doing what I can to center myself and see if I can change my mood. I will share with you what I have done, in case you ever find yourself in a similar position.

Yoga. Yup. Pretty basic but I cannot tell you how much better I feel after doing an hour. For one thing it gets me focused on something else, something outside my head, something that moves my body, stretches me and forces me to endure poses that are challenging.

I feel accomplished at the end. Believe me, I am not bendy and I do yoga in a pretty rudimentary fashion. So I feel proud and good having moved my body in ways that make my limbs stretch, my muscles flex.

My brain has disengaged from the chatter about my "issues" and focused instead on breathing, my heart, my focus for my practice.

One does not have to do yoga in order to reap these benefits. A walk outside works the same results, or a bike ride or meditation. The point is to move your body, to take your focus off of what is scooting around in your head, the "monkey mind", and feel that sense of peace that comes from just simply breathing.

Let me know what works for you to find peace. Peace. Be. Still.

Developing Focus and Structure

Do you suffer as I do from that feeling of wasting a day or a specific block of time? I find myself with a free day ahead of me and my planning mind immediately decides all the things I'm going to do. Unfortunately, my basic nature of wanting to do everything means I can potentially spend the day flitting from this thing to that thing and never feel I accomplished much of anything. This activity is much like my other activity of being online and bouncing from one website to another reading interesting information, but wasting gobs of time. Today I am on a path of being Mindful, and I'm saying that with a capital letter!


I am sharing with you here my steps I followed to remain focused on my goals>

1. Decide you are going to spend a day or an afternoon mindfully selecting your activities. I made this decision this morning when I realized how many "free" days (meaning no appointments) I squander on the Internet and essentially being distracted. I decided I needed to really listen within, and not react to every 'bright shiny object'.

2. Sit someplace quiet, close your eyes and placing your hand on your heart ask -- what do I really really want to do next? I actually did this after making my list of things I wanted and needed to do today. I mindfully asked myself this question and listened to what came up. I had "clean off desk top" "do yoga" "be creative and write in your blog". I felt I was at choice and in charge of my day rather than at it's mercy.

3. Once you have written the items down, decide how long you will do each one. I used a timer because it really helps me stay focused to hear that tick, tick tick! Giving myself 15 minutes to clean off my desk meant I was decisive and deliberate and not likely to get side-tracked checking email. Instead of an endless amount of time, I had a deadline. I guess I work well with a deadline!

4. Be good to yourself and allow for spontaneity. In my initial listing of items, I included "fun" and "free time". After I had finished a few tasks, a friend called to invite me to go see a movie. Well there was fun and free time all in one! Of course I went and had a great time.

5. Congratulate yourself on what you did accomplish. I checked off and crossed off each item which made me feel accomplished. At the end of the day of course there were more items, but they will carry over or they just were'nt that important. I know I was being truthful to my needs and I felt good about my day.


What I realized today is how easily I can be distracted! And I'm starting to appreciate how much of this behavior is my avoidance of things I feel afraid to do. Now I don't mean some huge scary fear, but that deep-seated fear that I'm not really good enough; I'm not worthy of the good that could come to me by doing these things. What if I had to really burst through my barriers and just get out there and SHINE!! How would that be? A little scary? Yes, I think sometimes it is to me. So I don't get started when I really want to, or I water the plants, have a snack, email a friend. OK things to do, but I'm allowing myself distraction rather than the joy that comes from completion by way of focus and awareness.

Overall, I felt on task. Then when life happened I was also able to go with the flow. Mmmm...my mantra right now, to be in the flow.

Balance and Mindfulness

I have been making an effort to be mindful in my life, waking up as Eckhart Tolle says to The Power of Now. Being present as much as possible to what is happening with me, right now, helps me be more in touch with how I feel, teaches me who I am, gives me tools for knowing what steps to take next, because I am paying attention to the details.

I was discussing this with my sweetie this morning after listening to Tolle's newest book A New Earth. Is being mindful and present something one strives to do 24/7? If so, how does one manage all the pieces of life? If I am focused right now on this, then what happens to all the other pieces of my life? I believe that since we are multi-faceted Beings, then we are capable of being present to the totality of our lives, being present to what is in the broader perspective and so can manage them all on a rotating basis.

After this discussion I took my morning walk. I noticed things I hadn't noticed before, even though I've walked this path many many times. Some were things that were always there, a stone paved walk in someone's yard, the shape and form of a tree in another. Some were new and specific to this walk such as the wild turkeys who often show up on the golf course. At one point I glimpsed them in a backyard and said hello to them. On my way back they were walking the street in front of me, four of them gobbling along. They made me laugh. Was I totally mindful and present in every moment of my 50 minute walk? No, at times I was thinking of something I was going to do when I got home, at times I was noticing the sidewalk in front of me.

I believe as in many things, and as I have blogged about before, it is about balance. If I am mindful for the most part in things I do, say and think, I will be able to be the mindful observer of my life, ever seeing and feeling where to make adjustments, ever aware of my feelings, and ever alive and tuned in to what is happening in my life. Contrarily, going about my tasks on auto pilot, full of things to be done with no awareness of what is happening around me or in me, I have lost my sense of self.

Here are some thoughts for becoming more aware and mindful in your daily life.

1. Find a practice to do every day that gets you into a mindful state. You can take a walk and focus on being mindful of your thoughts, mindful of what you see, mindful of what you hear, or doing yoga or some other practice.

2. Practice doing an ordinary activity you do every day in a mindful way, such as eating. Ask yourself what you are wanting to eat and fix yourself that meal with love. Get creative with it and don't stop until you hit "yummy"! This morning I mixed chopped apples with granola, cinnamon and brown sugar and warmed it up. Focus on eating each bite with mindfulness of what you taste, what you feel. I tasted the warm, sweet cinnamony apples, with some crunch from the granola. I felt warmed, nourished and realized how much I like eating different tastes and textures together.

3. Be mindful and present when communicating with people, whether on the phone or in person. It's so easy to get distracted and it's normal. If you notice that you are, pull yourself back to the conversation. It's interesting to notice how much more I get from conversations when I'm focusing in that manner and I think my loved ones feel more heard.

4. Use this tool when you feel overwhelmed: take a moment to sit quietly, breathe gently and be present. I have started making a list in the morning of my To Do items. Just writing it down takes it out of the buzzy place in my brain and puts it in the do-able place on my list. Then I challenge myself to accomplish 3. (Don't put down something like clean out the garage, but do-able- in -the- day tasks). I reward myself after doing them by taking time out to talk with my sweetie, read or some other fun! (very important!) activity.

5. Remember there is no right way or wrong way to do this (or anything else as far as I'm concerned!) Practicing an awareness of the concept is a great place to start and none of us will ever be perfect at it. It's a journey, and it's supposed to be fun.

I'm Blogging as Fast as I Can!

Do you ever feel like that? That life is a series of doing things as fast as you can so you can scurry on to the next thing that you need to do as fast as you can, in order to get on to the next, ..... Oh yeah. It's hard trying to juggle all those pieces of our lives, getting things done and still feeling as if we are connected to the people we care about. It takes lots of time and energy. And I didn't even mention taking time for you or keeping a connection with yourself!

We all have those slices of our Life pie--home, work, school, kids, extended family, friends, outside interests, church, whatever you have going on. Keeping all of those slices rotating and taking care of the hottest one in any given moment, does create a very un-serene feeling of hurry, hurry, hurry. I don't like that feeling and it certainly contributes to things being lost or tasks being forgotten or done haphazardly, not to mention feeling exhausted.

What to do? Can't slow down the churning of the earth and the movement of time. But we can prioritize and pick and choose what we focus our time and energy on so that we feel productive but also whole.

As a Coach, I focus on the wellness aspect and the totality of my client's life-- where are they in or out of balance? You can do this for yourself by taking a piece paper and drawing a circle. Create about 8 pie slices in the circle. Now label each slice as the different aspects of your life: Friendship, work/career, adventure/romance, health, spirituality, Thoughts/intellectual/emotional development. You get the picture - the aspects of life that you ideally want. Now see how much you are feeling filled in each of those areas and shade in with a color crayon or pencil each one to the extent you feel fulfilled. Look at your life pie and see where you are directing most of your time, attention and energy. Now how can you shift just a little bit so that you can give an area that is lacking a bit more attention? Think one small step. No drastic changes, baby steps.

I know this feels scary. I find myself routinely giving much of my time to my my coaching and my retreats, because I love it so much and it is so important to me. Then I realize I've not spent quality time with my partner, and I know I need to slow down, stop, get off the treadmill and give a little more to my relationship.

The truth is I know I can't be a good Coach if I'm not balanced and being a good partner too. Likewise, I can't be a good mom if I'm not giving time to myself and my self-care and nourishment too. You see these pieces of you and your life are all connected and one affects the next and if the pie is skewed too much to one side, the whole suffers. I can't get to be a better coach by spending excessive amounts of time and energy on my practice as much as I could be a better coach by keeping my entire Life pie in balance and giving some equal time to all the slices.

Do yourself a favor and if you have that "fast as I can feeling", slow down, look at what piece of you wants attention. If you need support, encouragement or structure and strategizing in this area, please let me know. It's what I love to do.

I Had a Dream

I don't often remember my dreams. Sometimes a snippet will stay with me. Sometimes I will remember a feeling from my dream later during the day. But I don't often have dreams with much detail stay with me come morning. This morning I awoke at 4:30 with a dream of intensity burning within me. A dream so intense I knew I needed to record it.

I know during the dream I was with my daughter. We were doing things together which I remember included taking pictures, going places. At the end, just before I woke up, I was shutting a door, a front door of a house and I believe it was the house my children grew up in. It was night. The house was empty. The street was quiet. And as I shut this door, just as my daughter and I were about to leave, I could hear the sound of my son's voice, the sound of his voice at about age 8, talking in his chirpy little boy voice, out there on the street. It struck me in that moment as I shut the door that it was the voice of a ghost.

And then I woke up, and felt an incredible sadness. I lay there pondering the meaning of the dream and why that voice, lilting over the street with the wind, should feel so sad. I thought of their childhoods -- my daughter and son, now 23 and 25. I asked - what are you telling me dream? What message is here for me to unravel? My mind went to pieces of their growing up years, arguments, assigning of chores, but also rides in the car with one of them, and oh yes, thank you for this memory -- laying in bed at night with each of them, reading a story and talking about things that mattered to them in that moment. My heart broke remembering these, and I started to cry, and then I started sobbing.

This would appear to be even more of this endless journey of letting go. I know I cannot bring back their childhoods, or create a happier childhood for them now. Oh the things I wish I could of, would have done. I do believe I was and am a good mom and that I did the best I could. I am not an empty nester mom who has no life, who has lived through her children vicariously and now has no existence outside of them. No, I have a full life and yet this part remains ever painful -- it truly was over in the blink of an eye. And now I miss them.

I think this dream is especially poignant as I wrestle with my children's grownup issues and try to distance myself from their issues and trust them to travel on their journeys the best they can. I was reminded of a saying I heard that sometimes you have to jump off a cliff and learn to build wings on the way down. At the bottom will be enough love to cushion the fall and loved ones who will bring bandaids, tissue and love. Well dear ones, this morning I know that I must let my children jump off those cliffs, and trust and know that they will build wings on the way down and I will be there at the bottom, always with bandaids, tissue and plenty of love.

February is the Time for Love

So Ok, yes, Hallmark has decided this is the month for us to send Valentine's to our loved ones. But really is that so bad? Focusing on love, what a great thing to focus on. It increases the amount of love we feel, and what we put out there, comes back to us 10 fold. Here is my list of things I love, and I invite you to add to the list. What do you love? Oh and by the way, these are in no particular order - just the random thoughts as they come through my head.

1. Writing this blog, writing my newsletter. It's fun.
2. Chocolte mint popcorn from Trader Joe's. I have a serious addiction to it.
3. Clean sheets on my bed.
4. How happy my pets are to see me when I come home. The sound of my cats purring. My dog grunting happily as she licks my ear.
5. A really good night's sleep. Heaven.
6. Walking in the early morning with a full moon. Quiet. Dark. My thoughts alone.
7. Talking to my kids on the phone, hearing how their lives are, saying "I love you".
8. Holding my yoga poses so I feel so "in the moment".
9. My office. I am surrounded by things I love - Books, pictures of my loved ones, retreat supplies, cards from clients, coaching materials. All things I love.
10. Having a deep and tender conversation with my sweetie, when I feel my heart turn a flip flop.
11. Time to really LAUGH out loud with my girl friends. I'm talking laughing until you cry.
12. The bliss of a warm bath, with my ears under the water so I hear my own heart beat.

That's a good start. What you got????

Another Goodbye

The Borders in my neighborhood is closing. It's in a large mall and according to one of the clerks I spoke to, their rent is high and they are not making enough money. I was over there last night - my second evening foray since I discovered their January 19 closing date. Many signs everywhere saying "25% off", "last chance" "75% off". Many empty shelves. I felt somewhat like a looter, slightly evil for walking the aisles, using their misfortune to grab a bargain for myself. I feel bad for Borders. Clearly I think of the store as more friend than a place to shop.

There are several reasons for this:

1) I am a bookaholic and no thank you I don't need a 12 step program or to recover. I love books. I am very very happy to wander in a bookstore for hours. It's rich. It takes me to different worlds in a manner of moments as I flip pages. I have always loved to 'retreat' by reading books.

2) I used to work at a Borders. I'm not talking 'put myself through college' employment, I'm talking recently. When I came to the point in my life when I recognized something needed to change in my career, I started exploring what made me happy. I had always harbored a secret fantasy of owning a bookstore. I ordered a book on owning your own bookstore and explored that option. One day online I randomly applied for a job at the Borders in my town. They called me and hired me!! This was when I was also working full time as a paralegal in a lawfirm that was constantly in trial. I worked my 'day job' at the lawfirm then scooted down to Borders to work the evening shift and close the store. I feel crazily proud of this dot on my resume. I was working with kids the same age of my kids and they really liked me. I walked the store with my Borders badge saying to myself (giddily I might add) I can't believe I work here!! I had so much joy helping customers find books. Since I have bought and read so many myself I did know where they were and could tell them - "yes, that is a great book, and you should also read this one".

3) It hurts my sense of community that a store like Borders cannot survive. I don't know what to attribute it to but I'm guessing Barnes & Noble being across the street - and mind you I play no favorites - I love all book stores - could be a factor. The accessibililty and affordability of Amazon and the internet could be another. Hey, I am probably one of Amazon books' best customers. What is not to love? I buy them used, they bring them to my house for a fraction of the cost of going out to the store to buy them. So while I am contributing to it, I feel a little sad that real bookstores, where people go out and walk amongst books, sometimes running into a friend there, having coffee, talking with the clerks about books, could be becoming a thing of the past. Is the internet creating less community on a physical level? Don't need to get too deep, I'm just noticing my feelings.

I'm going back there today. There's a couple CDs I'd like so I'll see if they are there and marked down. Again, the feeling of profiting from someone's loss. All the employees are out jobs. One told me how sad it felt to him as he really likes working there and the people he works with. Again, this is part of the cycle of life, the inevitability of change. And, change isn't usually comfy cozy.