Are you feeling it? Did you wake up as I did, thinking of all the things that make me feel sad or guilty? Why does Christmas happen this way so unrelentlessly every year? Despite my best intentions to have no expectations, I end up feeling some kind of remorse or sadness.
Today I felt a little guilty over my Christmas spending and my Christmas consuming of all goodies available to me yesterday. I had the intention to spend less this year but allowed myself to go over a bit. My overspending my budget for my son then resulted in me wondering if I'd spent enough on my daughter. And round and round I go. Top this off with the chaos of having my sister, her husband and their 6 kids for dinner last night, plus my niece and her two kids and my pregnant daughter with emotions running high over everything. Add to that the fact that my son traveled from southern California to be home for Christmas, something I've been anticipating, and in two days time he'll be leaving again. A recipe for sadness for me.
Is it because of the enormous build up that is difficult to avoid no matter what? Is it the culmination of all the Christmases of my past that leaves me wanting every year to make this one "perfect"? Oh gosh I gave that word up long ago. I'm a recovering perfectionist and yet I think underlying my feelings somewhere deep is that desire to create the cozy experience for all of those around me, which only leaves me feeling sad when it's over, because it can never be all of that.
It is a day after all, and an opportunity to share love with those I care about. My inner wisdom led me to take a walk this morning to sort things through. I said my gratitudes out loud while walking and realized how much any sadness I was feeling was a part of the past -- it's over, gone and I am missing this current moment in allowing these negative feelings to run me today. I have my son here today. My daughter has a healthy baby on the way. I have a large, loud crazy family with lots of loud kids, but we had fun yesterday. I may have spent more than I planned, but I know I will be OK, and all will be provided to me.
Really, when it comes down to it, the Beatles were so right -- all we need is love and I do have that abundantly.
May your post Christmas day be filled with gratitude of what you have, and what you look forward to in the new year. May you find peace in this present moment, right here right now.